Last day of class, farewell?

Hi, again. I guess this is it, I'm going to blog again. I hope, I can do this.

Right now writing this, is when I ditched my friends and went back here in college to write this. I have been thinking a lot these days, things kinda happen. I don't know when and why, I am starting to lose connection with all my classmates. We used to be friends and all, but now I am just me, myself and I. Today marks the last day of my official attendance for classes, and everyone didn't get to meet as often as we could like this in class, so they are having dinner together.

It has been so long since everyone ate together, I gotta admit I miss those days. I kinda wish even if it's only one day, I would like to time travel back to the first year and have fun with everyone; before everyone's heart turns dark. The reason of why I did not join them is probably because I don't feel I was needed anyway to fit into them, they are happy on their own. I'm pretty sure I don't fill the hole, I'm pretty much a solitary person now. That being said, I am easily left out of the group. Not that I don't have any friends left from the class, I still have some that I'm really close with. The second reason of not joining them was, I did not want to spend any more than I already did. I know it's a lame excuse, but overspending has already turned me into a different person. There's a story to go with this and I will come back to this later. Right now, whether I am regretting or not for not joining them... I honest do not know. I guess I am not right now.

Is it that I already got used to it? Probably. This, I'm pretty sure it's entirely my fault. I isolated myself from my own group-mates that were composed with all the best and close friends was all because I did not agree with them on certain things. I thought I had the policy of not having my school works affect my friendship and all but I guess that's really not it. Why are humans so complicated? I wish I could be simple. From the day I started isolating myself, I felt that the price I needed to pay was to be solitary for the rest of the semesters. Yeap, the curse is real. Karma, I have been spending lunch time alone. Yes it hurts me that even someone not from our group asked everyone but me to join them. But thank God, someone still stuck with me every time for dinner time. I still had my ACG friends whom I can occasionally hang out with. It made my dinner time less miserable. Oh this makes me wonder, am I an introvert or an extrovert?

I have been holding back a lot lately. Usually I vent my feelings on Facebook status or Twitter. But as time goes by, I kinda don't give a fuck to anything. I feel like I am a trash, I'm no longer the happy smiley guy everyone used to remember. And just so one fine day, I tried on good looking clothes... And decided to buy it, it felt kinda good. To get something for yourself and from that day on, I have turned myself into a big spender.

Three years is a lot and enough to turn someone upside down. Back in my high school days, I was once a very low confident boy who did not want to look into the mirror. I did a lot of selfie back then but I always chose the best angle so I could feel better looking myself in the pictures I tried presenting myself. Back in those days, despite being low confidence boy, I was once a very optimistic person. I look the best out of everything, even people made a big deal on something I was not easily offended. People get angry at me, people get upset because of me... It didn't really bother me and I acted as if it's nothing. And look at me now, even though I improved in terms of outlook, I have already become an extreme pessimist... I hate it. I miss the old me who was happier back then. Though I don't hold grudge, I will do anything just to protect myself. It wasn't easy for me and everyone around me. I have caused too much dramas.

Where is the nice and extrovert me?

You know, knowing today is the last class a.k.a unofficially graduating from college... I had been thinking stuffs these past few days. Like, probably two weeks before today. I am just too scared to think what is going to happen in the future, knowing that my base is not strong enough... Knowing people are very hard to deal with, am I even ready for the outside world? I keep wondering... I can honestly tell myself: I am not ready for work yet. 

My parents have been asking me about it, and one day they are going to retire. I have to train myself to be financially smart in order to take care of everything. Getting to work is not like expecting to go to the first day of class; it comes with fear rather than excitement. I think it's just me but... I don't know, I'm just gonna compile my portfolio and write a resume send to multiple companies or studios. Wish me luck, future.

Dear future me, by the time you become success and when you read this... Please do laugh how frantically silly I was. It's time to wake up tho. I will do well.

This post is probably the best wake-up call I could have now.

Final class picture with Red Kite.